Those Closest Think The Lowest

Of me, that is.... I am pretty sure those who I am closest to are the people whom have the lowest opinions of me, and perhaps they should, considering they know the most and the worst of me. That's the power best friends have: they know the worst of you yet they still choose to spend time with you and enjoy that. But what always comes to mind when I think of this is that what others think of you truly does not matter, the judgment others impose on you is completely irrelevant in regards to the outcome of your situations, so long as you let it be. I hear the things people say to me about the fact that I'm not in school, the side comments people make, the judgment they pass despite not knowing why I have in fact made this decision, and I understand that they do not understand. That is key in letting these things pass right through I understand that they do not understand. I have found that personal thought processes are so unique that it is nearly impossible to share it exactly and perfectly with another person (at least my own thought processes, and I assume this is just a part of being a human). I understand that they do not understand, and that is why I do not take to heart the side comments and somewhat pretentious attitudes my best friends have when they remember that I am not currently in school.

When I talk about my break from school to friends outside of these "best friends" I mention, every single person I've talked to about it is very understanding about it because most of them have done it themselves... Either that, or they are more open minded about taking a break from the lifelong educational rotation that is public school... Or maybe they're just being nice and think the same things my close friends do... I'd like to think it's the first two. But, either way, I understand that they do not understand the thoughts that go through my brain. It's like fasting from school, because the longer I am out of school, the stronger my hunger is to learn. I have never been so hungry for schooling and fresh knowledge on all things. I can not wait to start with a fresh slate and learn how to learn again. These are the thoughts that I'm not sure one would understand unless he/she/you ever experience it yourself.

It is sometimes hard to explain things to people, but perhaps that's when it is best not to.

The "Free Spirit"

Among the "growing up" I've been doing while becoming an adult, there is one constant phrase that comes into mind that I am trying to find the true meaning of: "Free Spirit". It's one that I've heard thousands of times in my life, yet the connotation was an image so unfamiliar that I could never relate to it personally. The free spirited woman I grew up imagining was the generic Woodstock hippie wanderer, not that I didn't like that image, I just could never find myself in that woman. As I wander Los Angeles (which I tend to do often, walking, driving, however I can), I like the feeling of being so singular in the universe.... and I've officially lost the attention of those who don't understand.... Ahh this is such a unique thought process and feeling that I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain it in such a post. What I've found is that those who get it, really get it, and those who don't, never will. I know those who get it, and they know I do, too. There is just an energy around those who really truly understand the free spirit feeling. This is such a complicated thing to have in my mind, but this is one among those topics constantly in my mind... the spirit, the matching energies with certain people. I can't be making this all up in my mind because I've had one conversation about it and I know others feel the same way.

This will be a process, discovering how to identify the energy and free spiritedness... I hope I never discover the source, but grow closer to it as I grow older. I just have to accept that sometimes I won't always be able to explain myself to the outside world.... outside of my own brain, that is. I do accept that, I want others to, as well.

This is such a mush of words and ideas, but let this be a visual interpretation of my own mind. This is what it is like in my brain.

Today Begins....

This is the first of what will become yet another outlet for my thoughts, opinions, braggings (not a word, but it fits), etc. I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now. I needed a place to bring my thoughts into the physical world without being limited to 6 seconds (Vine), 140 characters (Twitter), a square image (Instagram), or get lost among my weird sarcasm and romantic reblogs (Tumblr); a real word blog is just what I need. I've been inspired by a few women whose blogs I've been reading (elliequent.com and blissbranch.wordpress.com and various others I haven't really kept up with). I use the other social media outlets often, yet none of them allow me to really express my thoughts alone, they're always accompanied by an image or video. 

I am not currently in school, I dropped out of acting school 9 months ago and have been working a part time job since then. I have plans to return to school, but that has been postponed due to my own procrastination which has been caused by self imposed stress over not having a car. Having a car shouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but just thinking about having to get to school and work by depending on public transportation and those who do have cars just stresses me out. I like being independent (also I really like having control over things like arriving on time), so not having a car kills me in that sense. So, to some, all I am right now is a useless young adult doing nothing with their time but working a stupid job and not using her brain. I filled out my application for the closest community college in my city, am saving up money for a car, and have started this blog... I think that's pretty productive, no? Some say no. Well, I say yes. 

I'm not quite sure what this blog will turn out to be, if anything, all I know is I wanted a fresh place to reflect on my own decisions, experiences, and just sort my thoughts, because I really do need that. As of right now, I am a 20 year old living in Southern California who has a part time job at a make-up store, spends her free time listening to music, rotating social media apps, texting her best friend, and spends all her money on concert tickets and food. So, here we go.